I always swore to you I'd never fall apart

For Elder, the not knowing had been the worst part of the affair. Everything had been perfect. There had been the ring, and there had been hope. He loved Alessandra so much, and his only intent had been for them to be happy. But, of course, everything had gone wrong. All of the sudden, there was a baby and an extended personal leave for Alessandra. Finnick, who Alessandra somehow knew, came into play somehow - he wasn’t entirely sure - and was supposed to be his means of communication, though every time he asked, he was replied to with “I don’t know,” or, “I can’t tell you yet.” For Finnick, no time was the right time to tell Elder anything. He knew that he was supposed to be going somewhere, but not where, or when, with who, or how. Everything in his life got a question mark added at the end.

So, when Elder had been greeted by Finnick with a, “it’s time,” he’d taken immediate leave, citing family reasons. It was then that he learned Alessandra’s location - District 13, as if circumstances could become any more ridiculous. His girlfriend, who he had not seen since November, was in District 13, the site of the rebels, preparing to deliver a child that would ruin their careers and lives if its existence was discovered. He could hardly believe it. As he rode in the train to the edge of 12, he thought about Alessandra and her beautiful dresses, the way she laughed over dinner, the feeling of her bare body pressed to his under the sheets. All of that felt foreign, like he’d seen in one of her soaps instead of experiencing it directly. Before, he’d spent a decade apart from her and it felt like a second hadn’t passed. It had been 6 months this time, but so much had changed. Nothing was the same.

From 12, a vehicle took them to the entrance of 13. Finnick was supposed to accompany him, but other obligations had tied up his schedule. Elder felt his stomach tighten as he entered, the car lowering on a set platform. As soon as the car touched the ground again, his door was open and he stepped out. ”Where is she?” he asked. ”In the hospital, Elder, but-“ Elder turned around, cutting him off as he walked away. He had no directions, but he figured that he would find his own way. He turned down corridors, following signs on the wall until he found the sterile smelling unit, more utilitarian and barren than the rest of the complex. Elder found what he assumed to be the main desk. He opened his mouth to ask for Alessandra’s room number, but stopped immediately when he saw a bed being whisked down the hall, doctors on either side, a pale form in it, a mop of red hair the only colorful thing in sight. Alessandra. His heart stopped then immediately started hammering. ”Alessandra!” he called, jogging up to the bed. A hand dangled off the side. Their fingers met, and then their eyes. ”Aless,” he said, stopping in his tracks. The bed then hurried down the hall, and there were 3 large men, all smaller than Elder, surrounding him and telling him to stay back and giving him orders. Instead of listening, all of his focus was on the bed as it went through two doors that swung once, twice, and then remained shut.

When the double doors swung open, Elder was on his feet instantly. He’d been made to sit in one of the hard plastic chairs in the small gray room. There were no windows, no colors or patterns, no tabloids across the table. Just him and the double doors. His eyes were trained on them carefully. Elder could be patient. He was a Peacekeeper. He told himself that it was just another long shift, another day at the patrol. Nothing more than that. But his hands trembled and he couldn’t sit still. He fiddled with his hands, crossed and uncrossed his legs, stood up, sat down, switched chairs, but his eyes never left the doors. Finally, a product of his waiting was produced. Elder jolted upwards.

In a few strides, he’d crossed the floor to meet the doctor. Before he could speak, the doctor started. As he spoke, Elder’s face contorted into a mask of horror. It was like the doctor had cracked upon his nightmares and pulled the worst possible things from it. He couldn’t speak. There was a mistake, surely. Alessandra was fine - she had to be. Before the pregnancy, at least, she was in fantastic physical condition. All Peacekeepers had to be - it was part of the job. Really, very, very few Peacekeepers died of illness. Most either took bullets or passed of old age after retirement. Alessandra should have been the same.

Elder blinked at the doctor, feeling like the room around them was moving in slow motion. As a Peacekeeper, with a gun in hand, he could control most things. He was ranked. He could move and command and give orders. If he so desired it, he could make things change easily on a mission. But not here. He was completely and utterly powerless. Aless had given him the authority here, but another thing she hadn’t known, he supposed, was just how weak he really was. He could feel his heart rate climbing rapidly and his breathing speed up. Mr. Sorrel?” the doctor said, ”this is urgent. I understand this is very difficult, but I require an answer now if you have any hope of either living.” Elder took a deep breath, but it did nothing to calm him. His heart roared and his mind raced.

——————

After the loud, shrill sound of the buzzer, Elder shot off. He ran up to the table, grabbing the nearest gun. He clipped a magazine in, then stepped around the table, turning the safety off and placing it into position as he moved. He stopped in front of the first target, then began to fire.

At the end of it, there was a beautiful number on the clock. 1:59:02. He’d broken two minutes for his drill, and his spot in his class for the particular drill advanced to first. Elder watched as the previous occupant of the slot, Alessandra Hailstone, was bumped down to second.

He was eating lunch when he first saw her for the first time - really saw her. Of course, he’d noticed her in passing before, but he’d never really considered her. After waiting for a moment, he stood and walked over, sitting at the empty seat across from her. ”I noticed you switch position each time you move a target,” he said, looking up from his tray to see her, ”If you started between two, it’d cut your time.” When she looked up at him, the look on her face carved out a crooked grin on his.

——

At the old quarry, Elder sat beside Aless. There, the wind blew the dust up from the mined rock across the landscape, but it also blew through his hair. It was a peaceful place. His favorite in the whole district, and, in a massive gesture of trust, he’d brought Alessandra to it. Elder smiled into the setting sun. The rock which they sat on still emitted heat from a day under the scorching sky, but the air around them was nothing more than pleasantly warm. They talked and talked and talked about everything - the academy, Peacekeeping, District 2, The Capitol, and their lives. They talked until the sun set, leaving only stars above them. As the heat departed, too, he found himself inching closer and closer to her and finally - likely in exasperation - Alessandra leaned over and kissed him.

— —

Alessandra sat beside him at the dinner table, laughing at one of his father’s miserable jokes. Under the table, he squeezed her hand.

— —

On a Friday night after a long day at the Academy, she pulled him from the locker room out of the building and into the streets. It didn’t take long for them to find a party. There, there was fun, beer, and, most importantly, her.

— —

As the final examinations approached, Elder and Alessandra trained through the evenings to prepare themselves. He joked in his critiques. They pushed each other further. Offered reassurance. Encouragement. They could do this.

— —

Elder watched as Alessandra left the Academy, angered. The doors swung closed behind her. The gold medallion hanging round his neck felt heavy, but also light. Heavy, like it was weighing him down. Light, because he knew how little it meant and how he would have gladly traded it if it meant having Alessandra instead.

— —

Elder stood in the coffee shop, his pupils wide and heart beating fast as he saw her again. She was beautiful, he thought, even lovelier than I remember. And, soon, she was his again.

——————

Elder looked up at the doctor, tears brimming in his eyes. The pictures still danced behind his eyes, playing out in his mind, searing his soul. He knew what he had to do at last. There were no good options. They all hurt. None were ideal. None held any promise of any life. Only maybes and chances. But, in his mind, there was still a right choice.

When he opened his mouth to speak, his words were gravely. ”Do whatever you have to do to save her.”

Elder sat beside Alessandra’s bed, his head resting in his hands which rested on his knees. The machines beeped quietly along in the background. At first, he’d watched them, but after a while he had to pull his eyes away. They would not bring him anything but worry and anxiety. Once they had brought her back from the operation, the doctor had informed him that she should rest alone, that a nurse would come to get Elder when (though it almost sounded like an if) Aless woke up. Elder had told the doctor immediately that it wouldn’t be an issue, because he was definitely going to be staying with Alessandra, that they could try to stop him if they liked but that it was his full intent. There hadn’t been another exchange.

He sat beside her bed, as still and quiet as a mouse. His breathing was quiet, controlled, and he did not get up from his seat once in fear of somehow disturbing her. His training came in handy. Elder could be endlessly patient, or at least he had thought so. Each second felt like an hour, each hour a new millennia. Elder watched her chest rise and fall, her eyes flicker behind their lids every so often. It was his own personal hell, crafted just for his torment.

He had fought against rebellion in the Districts for the Capitol. With a gun in his hands, he could sweep a battlefield, knock out the enemy without breaking a sweat. And he fully intended to do just the same with whatever was attacking Alessandra. He’d rain down on everything with the full determination for her to live, for her to make it through this. She had to, there was not another outcome. Elder had already made the first sacrifice. It could not be in vain.

—

The second Alessandra stirred, Elder was aware. Somehow, her first word was his name. ”Alessandra,” he breathed, reaching forward to take her hand, somehow finding flesh under the mess of needles and cords and tape. Tears burned in his eyes. She sounded so weak and defeated. ”Aless, hey,” he said again, forcing his breathing into a regular pattern. ”I’m so, so sorry I couldn’t be here earlier, but I’m here now.” She looked terrible, and for the first time, the news sounded real. The diagnosis had felt foreign, like it was about someone else. Now, though, he could see it. Alessandra was so sick, so reduced. She looked nothing like the woman he’d found in the coffee shop that day in the Capitol. All he could do for right now, though, was to love her and hope for the best.