[ti]Invite[/ti]If It's Just for Today // Sienna

When Cerulean stirred for the second time that day, he again felt the presence of someone else before him. At first, he assumed it would be Miss Jackie. The second the person spoke, though, Cerulean realized just how wrong he had been. The voice was like bells, like the sweetest sound he could ever hear. It had been so long since he last heard it, but he could never forget it, no matter how long it had been.

Cerulean’s eyes shot open and he saw Sienna sitting before him, his hand tucked away within hers just like old times. He was so stunned he could barely move. Sienna. Cerulean’s mind reeled as he wondered how she got here or what was happening, but he abandoned those. It didn’t matter. For whatever reason, he was seeing her again. Cerulean knew that even though he was asleep, this was no ordinary dream. If it was, Sienna’s presence would have been imagined, nowhere near as authentic as the one sitting before him.

“Sienna,” he breathed. It was really her. Cerulean immediately leaned forward, taking his hand away so that he could hug her. “I can’t believe it, it’s you,” he said, exhaling in a way that made his body shake. When he pulled back, it was only so that he could see her face again.

Her help offering was one of the things he missed most about her, which was saying a lot. Cerulean could have filled an entire book - or maybe even an entire library - if he chose to write out everything that he missed about his twin, like the way that there was always a spring in her step that always drove her forward with some sort of mystical purpose, and like her power of mystifying the whole world when she shared her view of it, making everything seem endlessly more fun and magical. Cerulean missed her so much that it felt like a very chunk of his soul was missing. Seeing Sienna there before him, Cerulean realized that the missing piece was a very real one.

So often, Cerulean was the one that comforted Sienna, listening to all her problems carefully and sorting out solutions for each of them. To her merit, though, Sienna was always aware of Cerulean’s problems before he himself ever was, and he found that even though he didn’t need it frequently, she always gave the best advice that could be found anywhere in Panem.

Cerulean wanted to ask her a million things, but somehow he felt that the true reason she was here was Asher. Cerulean didn’t believe in coincidence. Sienna wouldn’t have just seemingly popped up just at the time that he was having the second worst crisis of his life. He breathed in deeply. “I, I messed up really badly, Sienna,” Cerulean admitted. “I met this person, and, I just fell for them. And they fell for me too. They said that they loved me. But, I feel like maybe I should have never tried, then maybe neither of us would have been hurt.”

Words: 530
Tags: Rebecca

Sienna looked ethereal. She was just as beautiful and perfect and holden as Cerulean remembered, but now she also was subject to this degree of separation, just enough to remind him that she was no longer of his world. She was strikingly calm, too. Sienna was elsewhere, and Cerulean was positive that their time together was temporary. He had to make the best of this time.

When he laughed, it was a sound colored with the pain he’d kept tucked neatly away deep within him for months. “Mom and Dad missed them, too. They don’t know anything either. No one does.” Everything would have been so different if Sienna hadn’t been reaped.

“But, the beginning. Okay.” Cerulean took a deep breath to anchor himself. “I met this person from work at a party at their house. And, uh,” Cerulean bit at his lip and stared up at the ceiling, trying to find the courage somewhere to speak the words that he’d held in forever. “It’s a guy, Sienna.” Emotion tore through Cerulean, but he found it within him to continue. Once the words were out, he couldn’t stop them. “And I know that mom and dad will probably hate me. I tried so hard not to like him, but he kissed me at that party. After that, he took me out on a date. That happened a month ago, and since, I’ve been so much happier than I have in a long time.”

He spoke for a moment, detailing some specific dates they went on and the best times they shared together. Cerulean felt the tears return to his eyes. “During the Games, a part of me died, Sienna. It just felt like it was starting to come back. I was laughing and joking and smiling again. Mom and dad, and everyone, really, kept bothering me in the back of my mind but I told myself that it was okay, because maybe it wouldn’t ever be serious enough for me to have to announce it.” Cerulean leaned his head back against the wall and pushed a hand through his hair in frustration.

“I don’t even know how to say this,” Cerulean admitted. Somehow, he’d fallen into the exact role he once shared with Sienna. The words came easily, and he couldn’t have held anything back from Sienna if he wanted to. “Last night, I - well, he - we… slept together. And this morning as soon as we woke up, he told me that he loved me. But I panicked, because love will tear you open and let you be hurt. And I’m so afraid of telling mom and dad, of what that could mean for either of us. So I ran out. And I don’t know what to do.”

[b[Words:[/b] 490
Tags: Rebecca

As Cerulean spoke, it was like a million weights were lifted off his chest and he could finally breathe again. When he kept these secrets buried within himself, it was like they grew heavier and heavier, like they were cinderblocks around his ankles as he tried to tread water in the river that was his relationship with Asher, whatever that was now. It occurred to him briefly that if Sienna had been around, everything would have been vastly different. Instead of charting out everything by himself, he could have gotten her advice and constant support. Cerulean wouldn’t have been alone in his internal crisis.

To her every merit, Sienna reacted better than Cerulean could have ever hoped. When she was alive, Cerulean never breathed a word of his conflicts in his mind. Of course, she always asked him about girls and he always responded poorly. If it wasn’t evident in that alone, Cerulean assumed that it would have been when girls threw their attention his way and he shrugged it off, completely uninterested, unlike every other guy his age. Cerulean remembered his first kiss and Sienna’s following questions.

At a random party she drug him to, Sienna introduced Cerulean to a friend of a friend of a friend named Taylor. She was very pretty by the traditional standards and also perfectly nice. Cerulean thoroughly enjoyed talking to her and spending time with her, but he never appreciated the hands she placed on the middle of his arm or on his upper thigh. Later that night, right before she left, Taylor kissed Cerulean deeply. He knew it was coming but failed to do anything about it. Dozens of people - including Sienna - had been standing around, so Cerulean felt pressured to comply and act as if he was being typical and enjoyed it. Sienna needed no explanations to realize that Cerulean didn’t like it.

For what seemed like the millionth time of the day, tears burned in Cerulean’s eyes, this time at the cause of Sienna’s words. She would never experience what he got with Asher. Sienna wouldn’t get the perfect first date or the next few thousand that followed, slowly sinking in to a comfortable and appreciative relationship. Sienna wouldn’t ever sneak out from home to stay at her boyfriend’s house, never feel the warmth that reach her core when she fell asleep in his arms. She would never feel the anxious newness and excitement that came when she awoke in his bed, more entangled with a person than she ever expected to be. Most of all, Sienna would never find love like Cerulean did.

It felt like the biggest injustice in the world to consider wasting the most precious gift Cerulean had been given: Asher’s love.

Sienna’s question rolled through his mind. Really, Cerulean couldn’t imagine a life that he didn’t spend with Asher. Their nights at his apartment or at the bar or at some restaurant had quickly become the foundation of all his free time, and Asher the single person who he wanted to spend it all with the most. “Yes,” he breathed in response, almost as if in prayer. Cerulean wanted that more than anything in the entire world.

Words: 554
Tags: Rebecca

Cerulean stood up along with Sienna. He could sense that their time was quickly coming to a close. The distance between them transformed into a physical feeling, like her fleeting presence was something that was physically detracting. Feeling Sienna go like this was like losing her for a second time. Cerulean tried desperately to not break at the feeling, but he could feel his heart caving in. He forced a smile onto his face. It was partially genuine at the feeling of her kiss on his cheek, but almost entirely mournful and melancholy. Sienna was really gone. She deserved a better life, and more than any other thing, Cerulean wanted a life that he could share with Sienna. Up until he was 14, every part of him was shared with her, from their mother’s womb to their spare times to secrets to what was supposed to come of their futures. But then that part of his life, the half that enabled him to have fun and live and breathe was so violently ripped away. Sometimes, Cerulean still felt ragged, like he’d been sent through some large piece of machinery.

When Sienna let go of his hand, Cerulean struggled to reach out and grab it for one last time. His hands hung like dead weights at his sides, unmoving like he was drowning in tar. Cerulean tried to open his mouth, tried to call out her name, but found that the words caught in his throat. Please, he begged to no one and every one in particular, I never got to tell her goodbye.

Cerulean felt his lips part. Without a single thought more, the words rushed out. “I’ll get him, Sienna.” A stray tear ran down his cheek. “I love you,” he whispered, his voice cracking as he whispered out his last word to her: “Goodbye.”

The last sight was of her smiling face, looking blissfully peaceful like there was nothing wrong in the world, like there was nothing but hope. Cerulean took the sight with him as his vision faded once again into darkness.




Cerulean awoke with a start. He was still stowed between his dresser and the wall, the place where he’d fallen asleep after coming home. Though the room was freezing cold and his back in a terrible kink, the only thoughts on his mind were of Sienna and the hope she’d given him. Go get him.

Dried tears coated his cheeks. Cerulean loved Asher, and that was the beginning and end of the rest of his life. Nothing else mattered: not the factory, not what his parents thought, and certainly not what his own judgmental mind berated him with. The feeling of love was terrifying and overwhelming. When Asher spoke the words to him, Cerulean’s entire world had been uprooted. He responded in the worst way possible, throwing back the words and acting as if he didn’t care at best or didn’t feel the same way at all at worst. Cerulean could remember the stark look of devastation spelled out across his boyfriend’s face as he quickly dressed and ran away, fleeing the weight of their previous night together and all the emotions that went along with it.

Cerulean couldn’t accept the possibility that he’d broken things beyond repair. He had to fix it all, and he felt as if there was almost nothing that he wouldn’t do to get Asher back.

Cerulean pulled himself out from his tiny space in his room, ignoring the cracking of his back as he did so. He glanced quickly at the clock whose bright green numbers announced the time to be 3:30 AM. The rain poured in violent sheets outside. Cerulean could have made up a million excuses to stay home and not go after Asher. But he also knew that each second he spent away was another that separated them. If there was any chance of repairing what he’d shattered, Cerulean had to act quickly.

Without another second of hesitation, Cerulean left his room and slipped out the back door. His clothing was soaked for the second time that day as he sprinted through the mostly empty streets of District 8, not stopping even when his lungs ands legs seemed to burn with the fire of a million suns. All thoughts drifted away from his mind as Cerulean ran except one. If he indulged in thought, he would soon start to think about all the things that would send him running back in the opposite direction. His logic, as Sienna reminded him, was no good here. It would only cripple him. Cerulean could only focus on what he felt in his heart which was beating to a single word: Asher. Asher. Asher.

Cerulean reach the apartment building faster than he ever had before. He pulled hard on the outside door to the complex, frowning at the way the door seemed to be locked. Like most places in 8, the building was fairly run down. The paint that once covered the brown bricks there ran in uneven rivets down the side of the building, and the door was covered in rust. Cerulean tried again, this time gaining entrance.

He quickly followed the halls and the stairs to Asher’s apartment door, where he only allowed himself a single deep breath before he knocked. Cerulean was still breathing with an immense amount of labor and his whole body screamed in resistance to the hell he just dragged it through and his mind was completely devoid of what he needed to say to repair his relationship with Asher. Even though logically, he was in the worst state to appeal to someone he loved to take him back, Cerulean couldn’t wait any longer. So he reach out to the door and began to knock.

Words: 989
Tags: Asher Reynolds
Notes: Holy shit, sorry

Cerulean had no particular plan for once he got to Asher's apartment. After a few hard knocks on the door, Cerulean bent at the waist, putting his hands on his knees as he tried to catch his breath. He was far from out of shape, but the terribly long run he'd taken - in the pouring rain, no less - left him gasping for oxygen. Every muscle in his body screamed with exhaustion. A day spent running in the rain and sobbing was especially taxing. Cerulean stood in his bent state, gasping and letting his body cool down. He didn't even notice the sound of approaching footsteps as they were drowned in the noise coming from his lungs and from the storm still raging outside.

When the door opened and someone shot out, Cerulean tried to stand back up. It took him a few moments to notice that it wasn't Asher standing before him. Instead, it was a half dressed Stella. From a first assessment, Stella didn’t look happy, and why would she? Cerulean could guess that by running away the previous morning, his actions had sliced deep into Asher. Love wasn’t some trivial emotion that was given and taken easily. It was the most powerful emotion, Cerulean had learned, and it could work in two ways: building a person higher, or ripping them down at their very foundation. He couldn’t believe that he’d done the latter to Asher when he cared about him so much.

Cerulean opened his mouth to reply, but instead he had to take a few more deep breaths. He was surely a sight for poor eyes with his clothing dripping wet all over the floor and his face probably bright red from the running. After a moment, Cerulean stood as upright as he could and took a final deep breath.

“I - I - I have to fix this,” Cerulean said at last. He pushed a hand through his soaked hair, so wet that it was exactly as if he’d just taken a shower. “Stella, I really, really f*cked up this morning. I panicked and there’s no excuse for that. And I know that I deserve every single insult that you’re thinking about me, because they’re probably all true.” He took another few breaths and braced himself with one arm against the doorframe. “Asher deserves a lot of things, but one of them is not a shitty boyfriend who throws his love back in his face. I need to make this right.”

When Cerulean tried to envision Asher sleeping inside, whatever state he was in, it sent daggers into his stomach. He was the one who caused all the pain that Asher felt. Cerulean’s eyes which were previously trained on the floor found their way upwards to meet Stella’s. “I love him.”

Words: 492
Tags: Rebecca ? Asher Reynolds ? Stay tuned to find out, kids

"Cerulean's here," a voice said as someone jostled his shoulder.

"Cerulean," Asher mumbled, still half in the realm of sleep.

A harder shake, one he couldn't ignore. "Yes, and I think you should see him."

Asher opened his eyes to see Stella standing over him, her blonde curls almost touching his face. She backed up a bit when she saw his open eyes. He groaned a little and stretched, then tried to sit up. The world spun a bit and he flopped back down. He was still drunk. He sucked in a breath and tried again, this time managing to sit up. After another moment, he stood, bracing himself on the bed a bit. A glance to the clock told him it was just past four in the morning, and he also saw the empty bottle of tequila in the same glance. He groaned again and ran his fingers through his hair, then looked to his roommate. "How bad I?"

"Bad." Stella smoothed his clothes a bit, and he winced when she brushed his right arm. "Sorry," she mumbled, moving to ruffle his hair where it stuck up in weird places. Then she wiped a trail of droll off his cheek, making a face as she wiped it off on her sweater. "But you'll do."

Asher yawned and shook his head quickly, trying at least to look awake. Cerulean. Cerulean was here, at four in the morning, and he was a mess. Warmth kindled in Asher's chest, and he just plain couldn't help it. Even after a day like today - or yesterday? - the thought of being in Cerulean's presence was exciting. He didn't love Cerulean any less now than he did when he'd awoken yesterday morning, and maybe that was messed up, but there it was. The main difference now was that there was pain with that love too, a terrible ache in his chest to accompany the rapid heartbeat. He couldn't stay away though, even if he was a mess. He had to know why Cerulean was here, even if he broke his heart all over again. He had to apologize, and maybe they could just go back to before Asher had opened his big fat mouth and ruined everything.

Asher shook himself once again, then placed his handle on the doorknob. Don't screw this up, he told himself. And if you're going to vomit, run like the wind to the damn bathroom first. It was all the self advice he could muster at the moment, so it would have to do. He pulled open the door and stepped out of his room. Behind him, he could feel Stella leaving too, making for her own room to give them some privacy.

And there he was. Dripping wet, red in the face, but standing in Asher's apartment. Cerulean. God, would it be too much to ask whatever deity was nearby to make this guy ugly for like five minutes? Just five minutes. Five minutes so that Asher wouldn't want to run to him and collapse like a blithering idiot as he fell over himself in apologies. His knees felt weak and shaky. His left hand went to his upper right arm, squeezing. He winced as the pain cleared his head a bit, and gave his knees a bit more rigidity. "Still drunk," he blurted, holding up a hand. "I mean, sorry. So sorry. Bad day." He lowered his hand to help support himself on an end table. Sorry. His breaths felt shallow, and now all he could seem to do was stare at Cerulean, waiting.

---

WC: 595
Tag: Cerulean Dyer

Asher took an unintentional step backward as Cerulean came toward him, though it had nothing to do with how he felt about Cerulean. If there was nothing in the way, Asher would always want zero space between the two of them, but there were certainly things. The majority of those things - if not all of them - were Asher's fault. It had started with this morning's words and spiraled down from there. If only he'd kept quiet. If only Asher had actually knocked on Maisie's door instead of standing outside it for who knows how long after Cerulean left this morning, things might have panned out differently. At the time, he'd decided that his half sister's "buck up and move on" attitude was the last thing he needed, so he'd found relief in other ways.

"Man, I'm so glad you called me up," Azure said, leaning back against the couch. "I've missed this." Asher just smiled and closed his eyes, feeling the drug take hold in his system. A moment later, he felt Azure punch his shoulder, in what was probably meant to be a playful nudge but was just a little too hard. "Ha, you know, my name is like your name said by a drunk person."

While Azure laughed at his own joke - which wasn't new anymore - Asher opened his eyes. "Your name means blue," he said sadly, more to himself than his friend.

"Well no shit," Azure said. He stood up, opening his arms wide to the world. "Half the district is named after a color."

Asher leaned forward on the couch, his elbows on his knees. He ran his fingers through his hair as one of his legs started to bounce from this new energy. He was starting to feel good, like he could take on the world. He closed his fingers into fists, opened them again quickly, and repeated, then looked up at Azure. "Where does Ben live now?"

"Aw, man, you don't want to go poking that bear," Azure said, then laughed again.

"Where does he live?"

There were emotions playing over Cerulean's face now, ones Asher wanted so much to understand. He was fighting so hard just to control his own breathing though, to still his spinning head. He hadn't thought Cerulean would come back after this morning - maybe not ever, and it had torn him apart all day. He wasn't proud of how he'd dealt with that, but he wished he could have known Cerulean would be here at 4 in the morning. He wished he could have known his boyfriend would come back, no matter what the reason behind it was.

Asher shook his head once, then several more times, as Cerulean apologized. No no, my fault my fault myfault. Then Cerulean touched him, the feeling like fire and ice, searing through the fabric of his shirt and into his skin. It made his head spin a little again, and he gripped the table harder, hoping to stay upright. It was so hard to focus on Cerulean's words, and Asher knew they were supposed to be the most important part. They were the reason Cerulean had come back, and he wanted to hear them, so he tried. But most of what Asher knew in the beginning was that he would be fine if Cerulean kept saying his name - he'd said it three times - and if he kept touching him. If this was goodbye forever, that much would at least make it more bearable right now.

"...that I loved you, I would lose them like I lost..."

The words caught in Asher's mind, because of course they would. Love. Or - loved. I loved you. His brain tried to scramble for the rest of the words as he physically stumbled backward - Sienna, mom and dad, terrified, lost, afraid, lost you. "I’m just so afraid of losing people, Asher." "No," he whispered, fear and pain splayed across his face. "Please. Not again." He felt behind him until he found a wall, leaning against it. His heart was racing, and he put a hand to it as if he could get it to slow down that way. There was Ben, fighting him about telling anyone, pushing him in front of the whole school, with that anger he'd seen again today. And now, Cerulean was doing the same thing, only without the pushing and the anger but instead by being soft, like Asher was this fragile thing that would break if he raised his voice. He was trying to gently shatter Asher's heart, and that was worse. "Not because of them. If it's because of me, Asher, I get that, but if it's them..." He slid down the wall, feeling the tears start to come as he shook his head. "I know I can't ever win against them. You didn't need to come here to tell me that because I already know. I know, I know, I know."

---

WC: 822
Tag: Cerulean Dyer

It took ages from the time Asher knocked on the door to the time it was opened. He shifted from foot to foot, staring at his shoes. The door finally opened and Asher looked up into a too familiar face, one that he hadn't seen in years. He didn't waste a moment, but simply pulled back his arm and punched Ben as hard as he could in the face.

Ben reeled back, surprised, while in the room beyond, a girl shrieked. Asher stepped forward, pushing the door further open. A girl with dark brown hair and a concerned face was coming toward Ben. "Benji, baby, what's going on?" she asked in a high voice, glancing from Ben to Asher.

For some reason, this was hilarious, and Asher started laughing. He bent over, holding his stomach while the laughter poured out of him in choppy waves. "You poor girl," he sputtered between laughs. "You have no idea that your boyfriend has a thing for-" But he was cut off abruptly when Ben seized his right arm, guiding him into the hallway with a grip that was anything but gentle.

"Stay here, Maggie," Ben said over his shoulder as he pulled Asher further down the hall. "This won't take long." Asher tried to pull out of Ben's grip as they walked out of the apartment building, but his ex-boyfriend was no less strong now than he had been back in high school. All the efforts seemed to do was make his arm throb even worse. Once they were outside, Ben released him, shoving Asher roughly away. "What the hell, Asher?"

Asher rubbed his arm, although its pain felt far away. All traces of his laughter were gone. "Unfinished business," he said. "You sure as hell deserved it. Still being the boy Daddy wants, I see. Are you pretending Maggie does it for you?"

Ben took a step closer, anger clear on his face, but Asher didn't give any ground. Ben was only perhaps an inch or so taller than he was, but he knew how to use all the size he had. Still, Asher wasn't afraid. Let Ben try and pummel him - it didn't even matter. "Leave my dad and Maggie out of it," Ben said, his voice dangerously low. "My life isn't your business anymore. You were just a phase, Asher. I've moved on, and so should you."

"I did," Asher said forcefully, but only a split second later, felt the words starting to deflate him. "I had."

Retrospectively, Asher regretted the entire day. Azure had helped him feel temporarily good, but everything had been downhill from there. He shouldn't have visited Ben. Sure, the guy probably deserved to be punched, but none of the encounter had made him feel better. Even the punch hadn't been as satisfying as he'd hoped - he wasn't really a fighter. You were just a phase, Asher. Ben's phase, and now Cerulean's. He wanted to be more than that, more than someone's phase, but what if that was all he ever was?

Asher could see Cerulean through the tears now, level with him again. He didn't fight the other boy's attempt to hold his hand, even if it hurt right now as much as it helped. Was Cerulean really such a kind person as to be so concerned about the boy whose heart he'd broken? Or did that make him a sort of evil instead? Asher immediately dismissed this second guess. He could hate Ben easily enough after the past, but he could never hate Cerulean. Even when they'd dated, Ben was basically Cerulean's opposite. Whereas Cerulean was sometimes almost shy, Ben was brazen. Cerulean could show him the whole district, and Ben never wanted to leave the same places they always went. Cerulean was kind and thoughtful, while Ben was reactive and impulsive. Cerulean would never do something to intentionally cause pain - would he?

Cerulean was talking again, and Asher couldn't help but hold to the sound of his voice. He couldn't catch all the words in his haze, but some of them did stick out. "Want you?" he breathed, confused. His voice lifted like it was a question, but it wasn't really a question for him. He couldn't imagine ever not wanting Cerulean. He knew how stupid it was to continue to be in love with someone who didn't love you, but that logic would take a while to settle when it came to the boy in front of him.

Asher was still crying now, but he wasn't so far gone as to not control it to some extent in front of Cerulean. He wasn't sobbing or lost to the world. He'd let himself go entirely with Stella, but that was because he hadn't had a reason to keep up appearances and show himself to be stronger than he really was. He still cared what Cerulean thought of him, even if this was the last time. Cerulean spoke again, and this time, the words hit Asher's core and he sucked in a breath. It was like a shock, sending a tingle of feeling through his veins. Those four words held no need for interpretation, no past tense, no other people getting in the way. I love you, Asher. It was all he wanted, all he needed, and if it was really true, then it would change everything.

Asher pulled his hand back from Cerulean's in order to dig the heels of both hands into his eyes. He was trying to wipe away the tears and the haze, to wake himself up entirely so that he could make sure he wasn't living those words only in his head. He lowered his hands and leaned toward Cerulean, his eyes locked on those so-familiar brown ones. "Say it again," he asked softly, trying and not succeeding to keep his voice steady. "Please, Cerulean, say it again. I don't... It's the only thing I want."

---

WC: 987
Tag: Cerulean Dyer