Shades of Cool // Asher

Asher closed his eyes as he let the hot water run over his skin. It was thrilling to think of his boyfriend being so close while he showered, although he wished instead that Cerulean had simply joined him. He'd almost asked when he said he needed to shower, but hadn't. He'd left it open for Cerulean to make his own choices, but he was only mildly disappointed as the minutes went on and he remained alone. Only mildly, because everything else had been perfect.

It had been a week since Asher's world had come crashing down, only to be built up anew. The day he thought he'd lost Cerulean forever had been one of the hardest of his life, and so the joy that followed their reuniting was conversely as happy. Asher was in love with a boy who loved him right back, and was there anything else so wonderful in the world? They spent every moment they could together, although more of Cerulean's time was tied up than Asher's. Whenever Cerulean was tied up at work, Asher just stayed in the apartment and waited for him. He didn't want to go out with other friends or do anything if it meant he might miss the chance to see Cerulean.

If Stella was home, he'd talk to her about her day or Monique or that guy she hung around with, or hover over her while she planned her next big art piece. That last part she pretty much hated, and had said he should "f*ck off and go read or something." So he'd tried with the few books he already owned - all of which had been gifts from his mother who apparently kept forgetting that he didn't really read. Cerulean liked to read, so couldn't he give it a shot? But the printed words never kept his interest for long. He couldn't draw to save his life, so that was out. Maisie worked nights, and even if she was off, he couldn't leave the apartment. He found himself wishing he had some hobby that wasn't tied to being social, since his main hobby right now kept staying late at the factory.

One night, on his way home from the factory, Asher had steered himself toward Azure's place. Azure was more than happy to sell to him again, and Asher had tucked the little bag of the familiar drug in the drawer of his nightstand. He hadn't used it yet, but it had been there, just in case. He thought about it sometimes, had almost used it. They hadn't really talked about what Asher had done on the day Cerulean had left him. That was a conversation Asher didn't look forward to, but Asher hadn't asked after Cerulean's day either, so the matter had just sat for now. He wasn't sure that his boyfriend would understand that side of him yet, the side of himself that he was ashamed of.

The time Asher did get to spend with Cerulean wasn't as charged as he hoped for. The one time they'd both been in the right mood, and Cerulean hadn't been dead tired, Stella and Monique had come in. Asher wouldn't have minded just transferring to the bedroom and picking up where they left off, but Cerulean's whole face had turned bright pink and Monique's little giggle hadn't really helped matters. Monique was not Asher's favorites of Stella's various significant others. Today, though, Asher and Cerulean had gotten to really spend time together. Asher had offered his boyfriend a drawer in his apartment, and was pleased when Cerulean had accepted. Now there was a part of Cerulean in his apartment even if the man himself was not, and that was extremely comforting.

Asher turned off the water and reached for his towel. The doubt had still been there, though, in the back of Asher's mind. "You're the only one I want, Asher," he'd said, and yet Asher still wondered if it was as real as he felt it was. He still wondered if he did or said the wrong thing again, Cerulean would leave for good this time. As far as Asher knew, Cerulean's parents still had no idea their son had a boyfriend. Granted, Cerulean might not say anything because it could mean Asher would lose his job in the Dyer factory - and being fired from such a prestigious place would probably mean the end of Asher's career as a dyer. That wouldn't break him, but it wouldn't be a picnic either. But it wasn't just that. Maisie had told him to be careful, and the day without Cerulean had reminded him that they weren't invincible and inseparable. He wanted to be his best self and not push Cerulean into anything, not give him information he wouldn't like, and so his doubts still remained.

Asher dried off, then wrapped the towel around the bottom of his waist. He stepped out of the bathroom, crossing the cold floor back to his own room and intentionally leaving his clothes behind. He could hear the muffled beats of Stella's music behind her closed door, a clear indication that she was either working on something or having sex. He glanced toward the front door and, seeing no indication of a person aside from the three he knew about, decided it was the former. He pulled open the door to his own room and closed it gently behind him, a grin touching his lips as he looked at Cerulean on his bed. The other boy was just laying there, a book next to him. He was clearly trying to look natural, and Asher wondered what it was he'd been thinking about before Asher came back in. "You look comfy, Cerox," he greeted, crossing to the bed. He let the towel fall to the ground before he lay down on the bed, picking up the book. He lay on his back, feigning ignorance of his state of undress as he flipped through the pages. He glanced at Cerulean. "Is this any good?"

---

WC: 1006
Tag: Cerulean Dyer

Asher loved making Cerulean blush, and he knew exactly how to do it. It was beyond adorable to watch his boyfriend's face turn bright red as he fumbled through a reply or an action. He didn't think of it as malicious though - instead it was just who he was. Asher pushed the boundaries on things, and he liked to think that Cerulean got some of the same thrill of being on that edge. Some - or maybe all - of their best moments together had come from those blushes and bursts of shyness. That was because sometimes, what followed Cerulean's shyness was his boldness - the complete and thrilling opposite. Okay, so sometimes there was drink involved, but not always. Sometimes, it was just like some switch had been fliped, and this duality kept Asher guessing. It was one of the many things he loved.

Now, Asher's casual undress had brought a blush to Cerulean's cheeks. He pretended he didn't know, though it was impossible to keep the smile from his face. That would have required a degree of acting beyond his own skill. When Cerulean responded to his question, Asher turned his head and lifted his eyebrows. "Am I?" he asked playfully. His eyes flicked down to Cerulean's hand, reaching tentatively to touch him, then back to the book in his hands. In that, Asher could give his boyfriend a little space. He would force nothing, and sometimes it made things easier if he wasn't too intense. They were on the edge of something - which of course Asher had done his part to set up - but it would be so much better if he let Cerulean break the ice.

Asher laughed at the other boy's question, sitting up a bit himself. He set the book down on the bed, figuring that it had probably already worn out its use. "Nonchalant?" He shook his head. "If you could feel my heart, you probably wouldn't say that." He put a hand on his own heart, feeling the beat of it under his skin. It was quick, irregular. He then reached over the put his hand over Cerulean's heart, lifting his eyes to meet those brown ones. That heartbeat couldn't be called slow either, and he felt a twist of excitement in the pit of his stomach. "I just like giving you opportunities."

Asher felt rather than saw the hand that touched his side, sending a ripple of goosebumps along his skin. He'd maintained eye contact, keeping his hand over Cerulean's heart, but now his hand traveled downward. His hands moved along the clothed skin of Cerulean's chest, down until it met the waistband of his pants. There, he stopped. "You don't have any big meetings or social parties tonight that you didn't tell me about, do you?" he asked, having to draw the moment out a big with words. Most of the time, it felt like he had very little control of his actions, especially if words weren't there to slow him down. He grinned. "Because if I'm reading those eyes of yours right, I don't think I'm going to be able to let you out of here any time soon without a fair fight. Or an unfair one."

---

WC: 535
Tag: Cerulean Dyer

Asher let out a breath when Cerulean confirmed he could stay in tonight, grinning. They wouldn't have any interruptions then - not the factory, not Stella, not even the dawn. They had the night, and Asher intended to take full advantage of that. He wanted every part of Cerulean's body with every part of his, but he intended to earn all of it. He intended to take his time, because they had it. This was what he intended anyway, but there was no telling what would actually happen once he got started. They'd only been together once, and neither of them were entirely sober.

Asher's grin was covered by Cerulean's lips, and he closed his eyes, returning the kiss with equal fervor. He turned his body toward his boyfriend's subconsciously, propping himself up with one hand while the other hand stayed on Cerulean's skin. Cerulean started removing his own pants, and Asher helped as he felt his heart speed up even more. Cerulean had become that bold version of himself again, switching in that single, unexpected instant. There was no telling how long the boldness would last, and that was half the excitement of it. It made it impossible for Asher to narrow him into the category of predictable, except in that he was predictable to be unpredictable.

Cerulean pulled back just a tiny bit to whisper in Asher's ear, the combination of the words and the brush of breath on his ear sending a pleasant shiver down his neck. There had been the doubt under the surface, the kind of thing he was used to pushing down, that he was pushing Cerulean in a way he didn't want to be pushed. Maybe the blushes and difficult speech were beyond temporary awkwardness and more akin to general discomfort, but hearing this tamped that doubt even further down. "Yeah?" Asher asked, kissing him again. "Then I want to give you every opportunity." Cheesy? Maybe. True? Definitely, and so Asher gave up on words for the moment, losing himself in Cerulean. His fingers tugged up the edge of Cerulean's shirt as they kissed, until he had to break the kiss to finish the process of removing it. Then he decided that one hand wasn't enough to feel what had been uncovered, so he less-gently-than-intentioned pulled Cerulean over him as he lay back on the bed. The new position gave both of his hands free reign over the miles of skin above him, which he greedily took advantage of. He felt both content to live in this moment the rest of his life and eager still for more than this, the dueling emotions driving him onward and fueling his belief that right now, everything was perfect.

---

WC: 452
Tag: Cerulean Dyer

Asher was losing himself in the other boy, and it felt beyond good. Nothing else existed outside of here, just the two of them. Cerulean spoke again, and Asher raised his eyebrows a bit, a hint of a grin on his face. "You can do whatever you want, Cerox," he said. It was true that Asher liked control. He liked having a complete handle on a situation, being able to do things a little differently to get a far different result. He could adjust as things changed, but he generally liked calling the shots. Still, there was something exciting about letting Cerulean do it instead. It wasn't like anything he chose could even possibly be bad. And if Cerulean wanted things to move fast, well, then who was Asher to say no? He wanted that too.

When Cerulean flushed and reached for the nightstand, Asher probably should have stopped him. An Asher not completely drunk on his boyfriend would have, but Asher was too far gone. Cerulean was still kissing him, and while his reaching hand made it a bit of a strain, Asher had plenty of other things to focus on. Even when he registered the sound of packaging, nothing registered. He did have what Cerulean was looking for in the nightstand, after all. He opened his eyes when Cerulean broke the kiss, and then registered something completely surprising cross the boy's face before he abruptly pulled back.

Asher's skin crawled with goosebumps at the absence of Cerulean's heat, and his body followed instinctively to sit up. And then he saw it. Clutched between Cerulean's fingers was the packet of delcaine he'd bought from Azure. "F*ck," Asher said, momentarily frozen. It was the packet he'd thought about using, but hadn't. Did that mean anything right now, when his boyfriend was holding it up with this confused - hurt? - look on his face? Probably not. It wasn't like Asher had never used the stuff. He had. More than once. It wasn't the only kind of drug he'd used either.

At some point in the relationship, Asher figured this kind of stuff would come out. Eventually, Asher would have to tell Cerulean that no, he hadn't exactly had an entirely legal, good past, and that sometimes he did things like... take drugs and punch his ex in the face. But that didn't have to come for a while. They'd just gotten back into things, and while Cerulean wasn't always available, things had been good. Today had been perfect, and why ruin everything with a topic like this? But now here it was, in Cerulean's hand, and Asher highly doubted he could make it just go away again with a couple of kisses.

As calmly as he could, Asher reached toward the bag and tried to take it back. If Cerulean resisted, he wouldn't pull - that stuff wasn't the cheapest, even if he got the friend discount. "I can explain," he said, stalling as he tried to figure out exactly how he was going to explain. He couldn't do it sitting on the bed like this, that was for sure. No, he needed to be moving. Asher slid off the bed and pulled on a pair of boxers - his? Cerulean's? who cares - and and his fingers through his hair. "It's not so bad," he began, not looking at Cerulean. "I mean really, it's not like I- well, I hadn't, but I- I have before, but it's not-"

Dammit, why was this so hard? He couldn't even finish a whole sentence. Asher had no idea what Cerulean would think if he heard everything, and that flat out scared him. Cerulean said he loved him, had come back, had clearly wanted him, but everything still felt so fragile. Asher wanted to build up to this, to feel solid about them before he brought up the things that had a chance to ruin everything. He could lie. He could do that, pretend this was the first time and he hadn't even tried it, but he was just - no. No, he couldn't lie. He wouldn't be able to lie convincingly right now, and even if he could, Cerulean would hate him more later when he found out the truth. He was not a liar, not to Cerulean, but just wished... he wished he had more time to convince Cerulean he was a good person.

Asher started pacing, flustered. "Yeah, okay, so I bought that," he started this time, still not able to look at Cerulean. "I hadn't bought any in a while, and I thought - well no, that's not true. There was one other time recently, and I just thought you know, it's not so bad? It feels really good, you know, and sometimes you're at work and Maisie's at work and I don't really have any hobbies. And I just thought, I don't know, it was fun last time and you should have seen Ben's face, I could never had done that all on my own and oh for Snow's sake, Asher, seriously? This is how you're f*cking explaining it?" He stopped pacing and turned to Cerulean, desperate pleading in his eyes. "Please, just give me... I just need a minute." He let out a breath, trying to control how he shook now. He'd need to start earlier, wouldn't he, if he hadn't already screwed it all up by saying he'd recently seen his ex-boyfriend while on drugs in front of his current boyfriend. God, why tonight?

---

WC: 913
Tag: Cerulean Dyer

Asher was glad when Cerulean relinquished the bag. He looked down at it for a moment, its innocent white powder spread out in the plastic. He should have put it somewhere else, somewhere safer. Practically anywhere in his room would have been a better place. It wasn't like Cerulean was likely to go digging through his closet or climbing under his bed. But no, he'd put it in his bedside table so that it would be there whenever he needed it. He'd actually taken it out since he'd bought it from Azure. He'd sat cross-legged on his bed, cradling the packet in his palm, thinking about taking it. It had only been two days though, and he'd stopped himself. What if Cerulean gets off early and comes to find me on it? What if Maisie stopped by? His sister would not understand, not after everything, and he was afraid of dragging Cerulean down with it.

Opening the bedside table drawer, Asher threw the packet back inside so that he wouldn't have to hold it. And then he was pacing, his stuttering words all wrong and Cerulean's calmer voice underneath it. Asher was in completely uncharted territory again. That same thing he loved about Cerulean - his unpredictable moods, the way he could surprise Asher - now scared him a bit. Last time, Cerulean had left without giving Asher the chance to make it better somehow. This time, he was still here, hadn't exploded, but how long? How long would he wait and listen and be understanding?

When he'd stopped to ask Cerulean for a minute to think, he was relieved when his boyfriend agreed to let him. In those brown eyes, there wasn't just patience and understanding. Cerulean wasn't okay, but he was still here. He was still waiting, and that counted. Asher shouldn't be worrying him like this. He knew that. He shouldn't have freaked out about the packet, but passed it off as the nothing - by itself anyway - that it was. But it had opened a door back to that day Cerulean left, back to so much more than that, and Asher hadn't had time to prepare himself for it. He wasn't ready, but he was going to have to be.

Asher let out a breath and stopped his pacing, sitting back down on the bed again. He was about ready to start for real this time when Cerulean's question made him freeze again. Well, of course. Of course he'd want to know about Ben. Of course that wouldn't be able to just slide away, not when Asher had so stupidly brought him up. Asher's eyes fell from Cerulean's face to study the bed for a moment. He'd always planned to eventually tell Cerulean this, too. Like, in a year maybe. He hadn't done the worst of the things he could have - slept with Ben, pleaded with him to be taken back or to explain why - although he would be lying to himself if he thought those things had never crossed his mind on that day. But he'd still seen his ex, and he'd initiated it.

Unconsciously, Asher touched his arm, on which was now a faded bruise from where Ben had grabbed him. "I saw Ben that day, the day you... left me." He didn't know what else to call that day. He looked back up to Cerulean. "And before that, I took some of the delcaine with my friend Azure. Well, 'friend' isn't really the right term, the guy's kind of annoying really. He thinks our names are funny together, and I swear that's half the reason he likes me. I wouldn't really choose to hang out with him, except that he's always got something... fun. I really needed something that day, I mean I didn't know if you were ever coming back or if I'd gone and f*cked it up again." He paused. He could remember that feeling because it still hadn't totally left. He still wondered sometimes, when they were apart, if he wouldn't just make Cerulean leave him again some other day. His voice sped up as he continued. "So we got high and I got it in my head that I needed to see Ben and Azure knew where he was. So he told me where to go and I saw him and I swear I'm never going to see him again. It was dumb to go, I know that. Most of the high was still pretty good though so I went back a couple days ago and bought some more of it." He reached out to try and take one of Cerulean's hands, although his own hand still shook some. "I'm sorry."

---

WC: 780
Tag: Cerulean Dyer

Asher was able to get all the words out, a miracle in and of itself. It wasn't the whole story, the great tapestry of things that went into the delcaine or Ben or Azure, but it was the part that he should probably have told Cerulean before now. He'd always been too scared though, just like he was now. The more Cerulean knew, the more vulnerable Asher was. It was hard just opening himself up to another person like that, even one he loved like he loved Cerulean. Maisie knew almost everything about him, but she'd also been around since his birth acting as mother, father, sister, and bad influence all in one. She might get pissed at him, but she wouldn't leave him. With Cerulean, he still couldn't be entirely sure.

When he was done, Asher tried to study Cerulean and figure out what he thought before the other boy even spoke. He was hard to read though. Cerulean spoke, and he tried to keep still through it despite still brimming a bit with nervous energy. He swallowed at the questions being asked, flicking his eyes to his bruise when he saw Cerulean's go there. Was he actually asking if Asher had been hurt by either boy, or if he'd done something he really shouldn't with them, or both? There was a tiny flick of anger that Cerulean could think Asher would go and sleep with another boy hours after telling Cerulean he loved him, but then again... If Asher hadn't been high and still got it in his mind to see Ben, could it have gone differently? He could have made more of a fool of himself to Ben by coming on to him, although he more than likely would have been rejected. Ben was trying to be straight. Asher wouldn't have ever been able to forgive himself then though, when Cerulean would have come back to him that very night.

"Don't be sorry," Asher objected, putting his other hand over the back of Cerulean's so that the boy's one hand was cradled in both of his own. "I'm the idiot. It's not your fault. I mean, you were why, but-" He shook his head. "Nothing happened with Azure. We just got high and he told me where Ben was and that's it. Ben... well, I punched him in the face. Hard, I think, but I don't really punch so I don't know. Being high made me forget for a second that Ben can crush me like a bug, so this" - here he gestured to the faded bruise on his arm - "is nothing. He could have ripped my arm off, so I'm lucky. He's pretending to be into girls now, so me punching him in front of his girlfriend kinda pissed him off." If it wasn't Cerulean he was telling, and the conversation wasn't so serious, remembering that almost would have made him laugh. It had felt incredibly good punching Ben, just for that instant before Ben reacted. And then poor dumb Maggie being there, concerned over a boyfriend who'd lost his virginity to a dude and she probably had no idea. But this was Cerulean, and Asher felt like he couldn't just stop there. "I'm the idiot. I should have told you. I'm just... I just want to still be good enough for you."

---

WC: 557
Tag: Cerulean Dyer

Asher's last words had been softer than the rest, his eyes flicking down to the bed. It was hard to admit that. The world saw Asher Reynolds as confident and cool - and that's exactly what he wanted them to think. He'd learned a lot of that from Maisie, who had a sort of "screw the world" way of living her life that he admired. He wasn't always confident and cool inside, though. What he'd just admitted to Cerulean had been in his head at least somewhat since the beginning, but definitely since a week ago. He wasn't proud of it, and he'd rather not have to admit it at all, but Cerulean deserved a reason, didn't he? It was the reason for this omission and so many other secrets, and since Asher didn't think he could lay all of that out right here, Cerulean should at least know why he couldn't.

Asher felt Cerulean's hand on his cheek and his eyes flicked back up to meet his boyfriend's face. There was an intensity in the other boy's gaze, and Asher wasn't exactly sure what he should be gearing himself up for here. Cerulean spoke, and Asher swallowed hard. At the mention of the Games, he let out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding. Asher knew that wasn't nothing. He couldn't imagine the pain of losing a sister, could only guess at how hard a life without Maisie would be. To be told that Asher had made him happy despite all of that pain... well, it meant everything. He was so overwhelmed that when Cerulean went on to say he thought Asher would want to move on to someone better, he could only shake his head and whisper, "No way."

There was no way. If he wanted something easy, Asher would date someone like Azure. Azure had always been an uncomplicated person. He'd known the guy since they were kids, and Azure was predictable. He was easy to please and pacify. He had a bit of a shitty home life growing up, but Azure rarely let that bother him. Even if Azure was gay though, Asher would never go for him. He wouldn't have anything to prove with someone like Azure, and everything to prove with Cerulean. That pressure - although it did come along with self-doubt - was something he needed, wanted even. He loved the very things that made Azure and Cerulean opposites.

Cerulean spoke again, and this time the words freed Asher's mind and mouth for a moment. "So do I," he returned. "I don't want easier. I want you." He smiled a little, totally aware of the fact that the words made it sound like Cerulean was difficult. "I want Mr. Unpredictable. I want to keep making you that happy. I just.. well, I don't always make the best decisions, but this one?" He kissed Cerulean gently, far more so than he wanted to. If that was really what Cerulean thought, what he still thought it despite everything Asher had admitted, then Asher was more than ready to push aside his doubt for now. There were better things to get back to. "This decision, you, is the best one I've made."

---

WC: 534
Tag: Cerulean Dyer